Do you ever just have a moment where you’re so fed up with everything that you can’t even motivate yourself to get up?I do, especially in high stress situations. I think when everything going on in my life collides and creates this time span also known as “hell”, that’s when things normally get depressing as hell. So right now it’s my finals, my constant worries about the future and some personal issues with myself and people in my circle of friends I’m dealing with.
I have to do so much and yet I’m doing so little. I’m just currently at a motivational down – but not in all areas in my life. There is a reason I have been posting so much, much more than I normally do when I have the time: When I feel pressured and just really weighed down by my workload, I typically put all of my energy into something creative. Like my writing, poetry or art projects. And I can’t even be proud or happy because I hear the guilt, the overwhelming sense of dread in me just constantly asking “Why are you like this?”
I just sometimes feel like my life lacks meaning – why am I putting myself through things that I do not find enjoyable whatsoever? What’s even the point of working hard if nobody will acknowledge it? Why does our society even force us to fit the mold? If you think about it, everyone’s life pretty much looks the same. We go to school for a big chunk of our life, then we get a job and work a ton, then we settle down and finally, we die. And putting in effort only to get rewarded with that kind of future often seems so pointless to me. It’s like I’m part of this huge system, a part in a machine and I’m just stuck.
Though I tend to have this overpowering trepidation quite often, I am learning to work around my low incentive and overcome my apprehension – creating To-Do lists, using about 3 calendars to plan my week and schedule out my days, taking breaks inbetween to give myself a break and focus on my well-being and studying outside as opposed to being inside all day, not even catching a glimpse of the sun. I try to be around people with drive and ambition. All of this gives me direction, a kind of meaning.
To combine that with my surges of creativity I have decided to create an Instagram account called yourexistentialist. I am hoping that by posting images that reflect that angst I have inside of me, it will be a space where I can manage my negative feelings in a creative and imaginative way.
Despite of my questioning things (which can be very exhausting, especially mentally) I am glad that I do it. I know this may sound strange but I actually think I benefit from it as well. I don’t think that contemplating about the meaning of life or just reflecting upon life in general is something bad. If anything, I think I have drawn a lot of inspiration out of that side of my thoughts. To me the most important thing is that I do not dwell on pessimistic and cynical thoughts for too long. Because although my extistential angst is at a high at the moment, I still try to keep in mind that I am fairly happy right now. And that’s a state I would like to maintain.